Lenten Series On Shame #2: Recognizing Shame

For those of you who missed our first Shame series installment, "Recognizing Shame", here's a recap of the evening.

The Elevation Band led worship with a couple of songs, From the Inside Out and Everything.

The Scripture reading for the night from Romans 8:38-39.

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The Monologue was a quote from Brene Brown's first book, I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't).

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Sheila Resari presented the Skidoosh:

As we continue our Shame series, based on the work of author, researcher, and speaker Brene Brown, today I want to talk about how to recognize shame; as in, “Oh!  What I’m feeling is shame!”  This recognition will  help us with:
A)    Empathy – “Ohhhh!  What they’re feeling is shame.”
B)    And how we treat others – “Oh-uuuh!  I was trying to shame them.”

To review, Brene Brown’s definition of shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

The need for acceptance and belonging is hardwired into our systems at a primal level. Long ago, if your tribe cast you out, it meant you would probably die.

When we get stuck in shame, we are desperate to avoid rejection.  We try to hide those ugly, shameful parts of ourselves.  But this hiding prevents us from connecting – to ourselves, to others, or to God.  Shame prevents us from living our full spiritual lives.

Recognizing shame and understanding our personal triggers helps us loosen the grip of fear, anger, and blame. It helps us build shame resilience.

Shame is often brought about by our perceived personal identities, and how we feel we fulfill this perception. Consider the following:

I want to be perceived as ____________________________, _______________________________, ___________________________________, _______________________________________, and ________________________________.

I do NOT want to be perceived as ____________________________, _______________________________, ___________________________________, _______________________________________, or ________________________________.

These questions help us examine our wanted and unwanted identities, particularly in regard to the following 12 categories:

Appearance and body image
Motherhood/fatherhood
Family
Parenting
Money and work
Mental and physical health
Sex
Aging
Religion
Being stereotyped and labeled
Speaking out
Surviving trauma

For example, I want to be perceived as intelligent, graceful, competent, savvy, and talented. I don’t want to be perceived as ignorant, awkward, or an imposter. I invite you consider how you want to be seen or not seen, and fill out a few blanks for each question.

Take a look at the lists you made.  Do any of these identities remind you of a time you felt shame?  I’m reminded of a student who really challenged my teaching and how angry and scared I felt.  I want to be perceived as intelligent and competent; I do NOT want to be perceived as ignorant, or as an imposter.  His challenge was a perfect match for my vulnerabilities to shame.  Recognizing why I felt so horrible then helps me to respond to similar feedback with greater ease now.

When you’re not spending energy on hiding the shameful parts of you and presenting a perfect façade, you have energy to invest in connection.  With yourself, with your community, and with the divine.  I invite you to spend time getting to know your personal shame triggers, to create room for resilience and opportunity for connection.

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After the Skidoosh we broke into three Activities from which people could choose to participate:
1. Continued discussion with Darren
2. Physicality of Shame with Sheila
3. Guided Meditation with Nicole

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From there, we went into our Spiritual Practice of group prayer, led by Eli Zigdon

We then had a time of Giving and Receiving lead in worship by the band to "Healing Is In Your Hands".

Finally after hearing announcements for the week, we Closed the service by singing "Shine On".

As usual, after service all were invited to participate in our weekly Pizza Ritual!