TABOO SERIES: Let's Talk About Sex

For those of you who missed our Taboo series finale, "Let's Talk About Sex", here's a recap of the evening.

We started the evening by showing a video from the movie, Pitch Perfect.

The Elevation Band led worship with a couple of songs, From the Inside Out and Nothing Without You.

The Scripture reading for the night from Philippians 4:8-9

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

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The Monologue was a collection of quotes from Elevation attendees that discuss their personal thoughts and feelings about how we talk about sex at MCC Portland.

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Rev. Darren McDonald and Nicole Highhouse co-presented the Skidoosh which focused primarily on how we approach the topic of sex, each taking a perspective on the topic.

First, we acknowledged that each individual person may have different views and experience around sex.  We don't attempt to tell anybody what is right for them as individuals.  Sex is a values-based topic and each of us have unique personal values.  We are not here to judge anybody’s values.

The way we started was by going over areas on which Darren and Nicole agreed.  You may have different opinions and if you do, that’s okay.  But here were their Ten Sex Statements:

1. Sex is a gift from God to humanity, the first of God's blessings
2. Sex in itself is not sinful, dirty, or shameful
3. Sex is meant for expression, pleasure and bonding, it does not have to lead to procreation
4. Human beings are whole creations -- body, mind, spirit. Attempting to supress one aspect of our created selves can cause imbalance.
5. Scripture does not offer a single view on sex. Different books include polyamory (Genesis), pre-marital sex (Song of Songs) as well as monogamy and celibacy as righteous.
6. Scripture does not condemn masturbation
7. Ethical sex is consensual among adults
8. Ethical sex is aware of risks and seeks to minimize unnecessary risks.
9. Ethical sex is not selfish. It should serve the mutual pleasure and well-being of all.
10. Ethical sex does not treat the person as a body part but upholds the image of God in each partner

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Darren told his story.  Due to its personal nature we will not post all details here, but some readers may understand the idea of a boy who felt very different from his peers and family. Growing up in a particularly anti-sex community (the town where Focus on the Family was started, where even heterosexuals were rarely physically affectionate [let alone willing to talk about sex]), he felt a tension between expressed sexuality (whether gay or straight) and his sincere call to ministry. Due to this inner polarization, he continued to grow up deeply conflicted which led to an attempt at ending his life.

By the time he walked in the doors at MCC for the first time, he had fought so hard to suppress his embodiment and his sexual feelings that he would visibly flinch at the slightest touch of another human being. Through MCC's acceptance and continued insistence that he was loved by God for all that he was, Darren started his process of healing and fulfilling his calling. He believes without a doubt that MCC's atmosphere of frank and open talk about sexual identity and sexual being is essential to the healing of those who have deep hurt and scars brought by suppression and neglect of self, because it opens the door to bringing the breadth and depth of one’s sexual expression into the presence of God.

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Then Nicole provided her perspective.  First she stated that she does not consider herself prude or sexually conservative in any way.  That said, she made three points:

1. Scripture from Matthew 6:6 states,  “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your God, who is unseen. Then your God, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”  She went on to say "Sex as an expression of spirit, as an expression of relationship is between me, my partner and my God.  It is special and it is sacred.

2. Are we a welcoming and affirming community?  And if we are, are we only welcoming and affirming to certain types of people?  In her opinion, being welcoming and affirming means taking into account that each of us has different viewpoints, different experiences.  By all means, we should approach the idea of sex in a way that helps to remove the shame and stigma associated with it.  But we must also remember that by assuming we all come from a similar viewpoint, we are segregating ourselves.

3. Nicole said she would like MCC Portland to be a place where we can become better people – a better community, and better as individuals.  Part of that is setting a higher bar for behavior when we’re speaking as a representative of the community – that is, from the pulpit, as a worship leader, as a leader of a function, etc. We heard in the MCC testimonials about how people have come to social events and were shocked by the sexual innuendo and jokes that seemed to be a standard for our community.  What kind of behavior does that encourage in our people?  Some in our community have described how they were serving communion and were groped by the person they served.  Other worship participants have had people hit on them here at church in a very forceful way.  How is that creating a safe space?

There must be a way to create a safe space that is affirming of each individual that encourages respectful, kind and loving behavior. No one is insisting that people be inauthentic or ashamed of liking sex in any way.  But it must include some responsibility to the community that we want to create here.

Sex is fun!  It is a positive, life-giving part of life.  It is also a gift, a sacred experience that is an integrated part of our fundamental selves.  It is a personal experience, and brings with it very personal perspectives.  As a Christian community and as whole, spiritual individuals, how do we incorporate positive, loving, kind, uplifting ideals about sex in the things that we do?

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After the Skidoosh we broke into three Activities from which people could choose to participate:
1. "Let's Talk About Sex", continued discussion with Darren and Nicole
2. "Let's Write About Sex", a slash writing project
3. "Cauldron of Fire" where participants had an opportunity to work through their own shame around sex through ritual.

Notes from the Discussion:
As expected, there were many views on the subject.  One person cited scripture where God asked Moses to remove his sandals because he was standing on holy ground, indicating that when at church we make adjustments to show reverence and respect to God.  Another asked if God was not present all around us at all times, shouldn't that apply to both inside church and out?  Rev. Nathan brought up the question about what defines the difference between keeping something sacred and hiding things?

One brought up the history of gay rights and how, 20-30 years ago when it was not nearly as accepted culturally, gay culture had to claim their own right to be heard by being overtly sexual.  However, now that queer culture is so much more widely accepted (though not completely by all), it is not nearly as necessary.  It is more an individual need rather than a cultural need.

Another brought up the fear of gay folks wanting to be "normal" because creating a definition of normal also creates a definition of abnormal.  It will be separating some from the pack, so to speak.  Also, if we require that people censor themselves at MCC, we will be creating hurdles for those who view themselves as too different or too irreverent to be involved in a church community.

Lastly, another person brought up mention of a verse in scripture in 1 Corinthians 8:  "Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak. ... If what I eat causes my brother or sister to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause them to fall." Would it not be best to use language in church so that all are welcome and all feel included?  If talking about sex in a disrespectful way keeps some from coming to church, can we steer away from disrespectful talk at least as leaders of the church?  We of course still encourage people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth, to walk in full light so that nothing in them has to hide.  But maybe keep the sexual innuendo and vulgarity for the sake of a joke to a minimum?

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From there, we went into our Spiritual Practice of Tai Chi, led by John Pinney (we will try to post a link to a youtube video if you'd like to try it).

We then had a time of Giving and Receiving lead in worship by the band to "Captivate Us".

Finally after hearing announcements for the week, we Closed the service by singing "Slumber".

As usual, after service all were invited to participate in our weekly Pizza Ritual which also featured chicken nuggets and cake!  :)